Authentically Exploring the Emotional Journey of Fatherhood

How I came to understand what Fatherhood meant to my core being.. my soul.

“You are just a play friend for your son… you’ve never been a “REAL” father to him” she wrote in a long blasphemous email.

Anger arose in my chest… I could feel my jaw tighten and pure rage begin to boil in my belly.

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I knew what I did next was important. So…. I took a deep clearing breath and paused.

The inner conversation began to brew… and sounded something like “What the fuck is this woman talking about…! I was with him every day but one every week for 7 years of his life, I moved and bought a million dollar condo to be close by… I picked him up from school/day care every day.. taught him how to swim, ride a bike, to be in church to…. “ and on it went.

Then another breath…. and another… and then I asked the important question:
”What in her is feeling unsafe, needing a place to displace such vitriol (and for me damaging lack of truth)??” And I could feel my whole body begin to settle a bit as I changed the dynamic from my protective patterns of defensiveness into genuine curiosity inquiry. Which, truthfully, took a while and was tough with such seemingly outrageous claims and unwarranted hurt created.

The answer was simple, she wanted to be in control. And she wanted to “put myself first for once and move to a place like NY for my career”. It all began to make sense. She wanted to create a story that allowed her to feel ok about taking her son away from her father… and honestly, I actually understand that.

So my next step was simple. Write the authentic, emotion filled response I need to release from my energetic being … and Send it to MYSELF. Whew… got that off my chest… Next, I went for a rigorous run with some Rage Against the Machine in my ears and did my best Rocky impersonation on the run with a few yells and grunts along the trail (probably scaring a few innocent bystanders).

Bigger WHEWWW! that energy now released I was coming back into myself.

And this began a deeper inquiry into, what does it mean for me to be a father? And how do I want to show up on an emotional level and Spiritual level for my son and most importantly for myself so it transmutes to my son and all around me in a natural felt way (v. trying).

Here is what I came up with:

Grounded.

Easeful.

Joy-filled.

Connected to Community.

Loving & Caring

Living in Full Faith & Acceptance.

I realized that living into my fatherhood desires was really just a catalyst to living into my deepest most inner desires. The one my soul is crying out for daily but obfuscated by my programming of receiving worth through achievement, productivity and entrepreneurial success. Programming that has (and still is ) taken years and years to unwind.

So as I search my inner voice and listen deeply, whether it is me in meditation or Mens Circle… I find that fatherhood is a wonderful call from beyond to just be my most sweet, caring, loving self. That simple. No need to take on roles of “Protector”, “Provider”, “Being strong for my family”… and so on. Even though those elements do unfold naturally without obligation or efforting…

Just BE Aaron. Just BE that beautiful, quite confident self. Be open to love for who you are, not what you do (or role you play). And there it was.

And so to my son (and now newer to this earth experience daughter), I see the world through a new more genuine set of eyes.. through both their eyes and mine. As one. To honor the beauty and wonder that is available everyday and to love them just for who they are and them me for living into my true self.

Is there anything more we can ask ourselves and others?

Finally I have come to recognize the ever so critical importance of being on the journey together with other fathers. To share my pain with others, as they share theirs with me. Such a gift. To ask the bigger question of life and our raison d’etre without getting too caught up in the self-justifying stories (as I did above). To just sit with each other in circle to bear witness to another man or father’s beauty in the process of emotional and spiritual growth.

Simply put, doing this journey together. It’s ingrained in the human condition. We are born to be in tribe and connection at its most primal essence. And us fathers (all men, well all of us) need this more than ever in our over-scheduled, overworked, individuated way of life.

I have found mens circle, soulful ceremony and journey work with other fathers to be some of the most powerful of all my experiences. So meaningful, so heart-felt, … a deep sense of feeling seen, heard and fully appreciated… or shall I say loved by other men and fathers made all the difference. So much to be gained. Nothing to lose.

The journey is long and difficult at times.

The journey is impossible if done alone.